Thoughts are running WiLd

Such a mellowdramatic feeling to be a girl sometimes...

How do we know where we are?

Who am I? What am I? What do I want? Where am I going? How should I get there? Am I good enough for it? Am I too good for it?

My mind races a mile a minute tonight... and the one I can confide in is as open as an uncracked walnut. That makes this very difficult... the apathy is disturbing and my mind is restless... I want to cry.

Everytime I want to cry, I feel my dad and the emptiness his absence has brought in my mind, in my life. I cry. Self pitty mostly. How can I go on with my life without the major influence like him? I don't feel his presence... he's gone.

My life... my ambition without his guidance feels empty. What am I working for? I miss my dad!

I sit here crying with such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and fatigue... I have to be up in 5 hours yet I can't get to sleep for the life of me. My mind is racing full of anxiety and fear of the future.

My heart is a sunken ship ... the weight it has tugging at it whenever I really consider the loss I've had to deal with during the last few years is totally relentless. The weight is relentless... It won't go away... it can hide while I pre-occupy my thoughts with new things. A new apartment, new goals, new views, politics, God, drum corps, Jason, family, misery, happiness all things that matter most to me.

He brought meaning to my life... he brought a sense of pride out of me that I miss now. We used to eat sunflower seeds together on the couch while watching basketball or hockey or football. He always explained anything to me if I didn't understand what was going on... Now I look like an idiot if I ask any questions... he always loved me even though I asked the stupidest questions.. he always had an answer that didn't make me feel dumb. He always played into my inquisitive side by telling me to "ask jeeves" or "google it".

Most days now I can pretend I'm not always thinking about him... it's hard to walk around with a nametag bearing his last name - it's still comforting though. People ask "oh, were you related to that police officer"? I feel like saying no, my dad died.. he was more of a father to me then a police officer - but that's how they've labelled him. Nobody walks up to anybody else who's lost a loved one to say "oh, were you related to such and such? I'm so sorry... what tragedy"... what tragedy - where to even begin?

Jason, if you're reading this ever, I love you. If it's God's will, I will always love you. I need to learn to trust you more... I'll keep praying about it. I love your style, I love your love.

My anxiety might be coming from my obesity too... in the past year I've gained 55 lbs... in my butt, in my thighs, in my belly, in my back, on my arms, in my calves, in my face, under my chin. We got a new scale thta tells us what we're made of... %fat, %muscle mass, %water , weight and it shows you how your fat percentage is considering your age and height... I was at the maximum... basically obese I think. But he loves me still.

I really miss my dad - he should be here. but he's not. so i have to move on. but how?